here we go again...

I'm so exhausted. This thing we do-going around in circles is not good for us-for me. Sometimes I think you're what I need. Other times I feel like I don't deserve to have you. Not because you're a good person, but because I am. I'm worth more than I let myself know sometimes... but why does it hurt so bad?... I say the strong know when to walk away. But I'm scared. I'm walking and I keep looking back thinking and really hoping you're walking towards me, wanting me as much as I want you...

why do you build me up, build me up, buttercup, just to let me down...

I try to think that I don't need you I want you... But who am I kidding?? Of course I need you. I need you on cold lonely nights and every night that I wake up because of a nightmare. I need you to be there more days for longer periods of time. We have the best time together. I need you to pick me up when I'm down and make me giggle and smile. It's been a long time yet you make me melt when you look at me. I love you. I want what I need, and I need what I want. And I want you.

I need you, YOU more than anyone darlin'... you know that I have from the start...

why he's my ex

Over five years ago I was in love with this guy named Gus. We had been on/off for over two years; it was the first "real" relationship I had ever been in...
Let me tell u about our relationship. We were young, in our late teens. It was lust at first sight. On our second date he asked me to be his girlfriend. We made out on red lights and stop signs, and pretty much anytime we got a chance. Everything seemed to fit. We spent as much time as possible together. Slowly growing up together but he changed. Things changed. I started to change my ways too because of him. No more makeup and my low cut blouses were replaced by big shirts. He'd say things like "you're guy friends only want to sleep with you" or "you shouldn’t go out with her, I don’t like her. She's a slut.". He didn’t like my best friend. We'd fight but nothing too big, plus I was in love, so I thought he just wanted to protect me from the world. Was this normal? I don’t know. I had complete trust in him.
We kept growing up, but he drifted left and right and two years later he was out of love for me. I remember sitting in his truck crying as he said "I don't love u anymore". It stung me so deep in my heart; you could have heard it shatter on the ground. Yet it didn't end there. We continued to see each other, sleeping together, and hanging out like those words were never spoken. I pretended it didn't happen. I ignored the calls from other girls, the mysterious friendship he had with one of my so called best friends, anything just to be with this guy. What made him so amazing to me? I don't know. He was good to me at times. Other times his jealousy was too much and he would say mean things to me about my appearance, bringing my self esteem way down. I was this weak girl in his life who he didn't want to let go of, but sure as heck didn't want to be with. It was sad.
Gus bought me nice things, but it went both ways. I did so much for him. He slowly broke my spirit and my fun nature and isolated me from girl friends, family and my guy friends. Yes we were broken up. In fact the fights continued as though we hadn't. Our fights would escalate and he'd threaten me or hit a wall. Every time it was my fault for making him mad. I remember shopping with him at Target as we normally did as a "couple" and his phone rang. It was a girl asking who I was and why I was still in his life. I walked away upset, but then I came back to him-something I should have never done. He locked me out of his truck and told me, "don't you ever walk away from me again!!!! I will go to your house and find you and *&^%^%#$#@%" he hit the steering wheel hard with his fist. I jumped back too scared to cry or move or talk. After this I knew I had to let him go but I couldn’t. I don’t know why.
I was attached not only to him but his family.His family loved me and I loved them. I thought about it for too long to leave-but nothing worked. He was my addiction and he knew this. He worked me so well, blindfolding me to reality... He'd cry and say things to me that made me feel like I was the bad person... Then it happened. My daddy got worse in the hospital. I rushed over from work and was the first to arrive. I was crying so hard. He ignored my texts and calls. His co-worker eventually answered and told me he had forgotten his phone in the work van. Bullshit. I called and called. No answer. Meanwhile I'm hearing that my daddy wasn't going to make it. Wow I'm laying here crying about this right now -my daddy died the next day-and he was with another girl that weekend. Gus showed up to hug me after his weekend with that girl named Monica he was seeing on the side. Not only did he show up days later, he was upset one of my girl friends was there, because he didn't like her. He didn't show up for the wake or the funeral but his mom did. She told me "mija u should be with someone who's there for u through good and bad." She told me not to make the same mistake she made. After countless hours of talking to her during my relationship to Gus, I didn't understand it until that moment. She was right.
It hit me all at once. My daddy's death opened up my eyes to so much. A big part of me died that year, but another part started to live again.
Reality stepped back in and I slowly but surely moved on.

what I needed.

A couple of days ago I asked my older brother, "Do you think dad is disappointed in me?"
He replied, "Not at all, if anything, you're the least person he'd be upset with."
I thought about that for a day or two-in my mind I'm still thinking about it. My dad always told me I was the only one who "came out good". I never left his side.
I finally went to bed at 6am on Sunday and fell into this deep sleep. I don't remember how it started but I know I saw my daddy. He looked happy to see me and I went to him and hugged him... I told him with tears in my eyes "I've wanted to hug you for a long time daddy. I've needed this for too long." and he said something-but i don't remember what it was. He smiled and laughed and it was as though he was back to life-back where I wish he'd be. I left and a few seconds later I woke up for some reason.
I've been feeling super down lately, for many reasons. I have all these bills to pay. My car is breaking down on me. I have problems left and right, and I prayed for this. I asked if he can just give me a hug and let me know everything was going to be okay-and he did. He gave me the hug I needed.
I'm his baby girl and every time something was wrong he'd hug me and tell me it'd be okay...
This is a hard week for me and my family. It's going to be 5 years that I held my daddy's right hand and watched him die...
I sit here remembering him and I cry-knowing that the only way to feel his hugs is in my dreams...

bye bye heart.

Just like that he said he was getting up and leaving. He'll visit he says. It's not that I don't believe him it's just that I dont want him to leave me. I started to whine and cry but what's the use? I told him to do what he wants with his life-afterall it's HIS life. With every bit of me wanting to hold him and refuse to let go-I told him Good luck. It won't be the same and he can't expect me to wait. He said he wants to leave California. Ha! Run away from it all, leave it behind. Look at me. All I carry on my back, but I'd never leave here. Why run away from everything? Including me.
ugh. I couldn't sleep last night. One, I missed him holding me. Two, the thought of him moving hundreds of miles away is killing me slowly inside... and lastly because that would mean I would let him go for good.
bye bye heart. It was fun while it lasted...

but wait! it feels R E A L...

It's that moment when you're pressed up against their body with your hearts beating at the same pace that you actually realize how real it is. People ask why you. It's not that I don't know why, it's just that I can't explain the emotions I feel when I wake up next to you or when you make me laugh when you're dorky or when I'm driving not knowing where I'm going because I'm caught up on a random story that I'm telling you. After all this time-You still give me butterflies.
There has been bad but I'm sure there has been more good. We haven't been perfect but that's not what we're aiming to be. Once we're together we move into things in sync knowing each other so well everything comes natural to us...
We sat there watching cartoons and I hugged you, kissed you, bit you, held your hand but most of all loved you. Sitting there puckering up for a kiss and asking you to carry me was one of thee best nights I've had in a long time. I missed that. I missed being able to cuddle with you. I missed your green eyes checking me out. I missed you. I wished for this every night. To be able to have you with me to kiss me and hug me and tell me I talk to much when we watch TV. hehe
I was startled at 5am as I looked over at you asleep up against the wall, then I realized it wasn't a dream; you were with me. I put myself in your arms and you squeezed me close... I fell asleep in your arms again. That's when it hit me... This IS real.

Through My Eyes.

There's always some kind of judgement for me-I don't do it good enough, I'm not good enough, I can do better, I should do better or I should just let it go and get over it, and so on.

Everyone has a say so. They all truly want to believe that I should care to what they say. They talk, they comment-they speak out-but no one, absolutely no one attempts to see things through my eyes. Not once has anybody placed themselves in my shoes. I'm far from perfect. I'm not a follower. I don't care much for people's opinions-I am me. A very sweet loving girl who tries time and time again to make herself happy. I always mention the old Mink, the one who like a tornado came and destroyed everything, not caring about who or what was there. I was adventurous, wild, fun and unpredictable. Things have changed but I find these eyes on me. Watching what I will do next. Everyone is quick to judge but no one actually puts themselves in my place.

I don't care what people say about who I'm with, who I like, who I'm going out with-because at the end of the day I'm alone. It's me sitting there, smiling, crying, angry, mad, frustrated, moody, etc. It's me. And that's all I care about. Me.

And until you can see it through my eyes-don't say anything. Don't mention me. Because as for me I can care less about what you think or who you are. I have better things to worry about-me.