what I needed.

A couple of days ago I asked my older brother, "Do you think dad is disappointed in me?"
He replied, "Not at all, if anything, you're the least person he'd be upset with."
I thought about that for a day or two-in my mind I'm still thinking about it. My dad always told me I was the only one who "came out good". I never left his side.
I finally went to bed at 6am on Sunday and fell into this deep sleep. I don't remember how it started but I know I saw my daddy. He looked happy to see me and I went to him and hugged him... I told him with tears in my eyes "I've wanted to hug you for a long time daddy. I've needed this for too long." and he said something-but i don't remember what it was. He smiled and laughed and it was as though he was back to life-back where I wish he'd be. I left and a few seconds later I woke up for some reason.
I've been feeling super down lately, for many reasons. I have all these bills to pay. My car is breaking down on me. I have problems left and right, and I prayed for this. I asked if he can just give me a hug and let me know everything was going to be okay-and he did. He gave me the hug I needed.
I'm his baby girl and every time something was wrong he'd hug me and tell me it'd be okay...
This is a hard week for me and my family. It's going to be 5 years that I held my daddy's right hand and watched him die...
I sit here remembering him and I cry-knowing that the only way to feel his hugs is in my dreams...

bye bye heart.

Just like that he said he was getting up and leaving. He'll visit he says. It's not that I don't believe him it's just that I dont want him to leave me. I started to whine and cry but what's the use? I told him to do what he wants with his life-afterall it's HIS life. With every bit of me wanting to hold him and refuse to let go-I told him Good luck. It won't be the same and he can't expect me to wait. He said he wants to leave California. Ha! Run away from it all, leave it behind. Look at me. All I carry on my back, but I'd never leave here. Why run away from everything? Including me.
ugh. I couldn't sleep last night. One, I missed him holding me. Two, the thought of him moving hundreds of miles away is killing me slowly inside... and lastly because that would mean I would let him go for good.
bye bye heart. It was fun while it lasted...

but wait! it feels R E A L...

It's that moment when you're pressed up against their body with your hearts beating at the same pace that you actually realize how real it is. People ask why you. It's not that I don't know why, it's just that I can't explain the emotions I feel when I wake up next to you or when you make me laugh when you're dorky or when I'm driving not knowing where I'm going because I'm caught up on a random story that I'm telling you. After all this time-You still give me butterflies.
There has been bad but I'm sure there has been more good. We haven't been perfect but that's not what we're aiming to be. Once we're together we move into things in sync knowing each other so well everything comes natural to us...
We sat there watching cartoons and I hugged you, kissed you, bit you, held your hand but most of all loved you. Sitting there puckering up for a kiss and asking you to carry me was one of thee best nights I've had in a long time. I missed that. I missed being able to cuddle with you. I missed your green eyes checking me out. I missed you. I wished for this every night. To be able to have you with me to kiss me and hug me and tell me I talk to much when we watch TV. hehe
I was startled at 5am as I looked over at you asleep up against the wall, then I realized it wasn't a dream; you were with me. I put myself in your arms and you squeezed me close... I fell asleep in your arms again. That's when it hit me... This IS real.

Through My Eyes.

There's always some kind of judgement for me-I don't do it good enough, I'm not good enough, I can do better, I should do better or I should just let it go and get over it, and so on.

Everyone has a say so. They all truly want to believe that I should care to what they say. They talk, they comment-they speak out-but no one, absolutely no one attempts to see things through my eyes. Not once has anybody placed themselves in my shoes. I'm far from perfect. I'm not a follower. I don't care much for people's opinions-I am me. A very sweet loving girl who tries time and time again to make herself happy. I always mention the old Mink, the one who like a tornado came and destroyed everything, not caring about who or what was there. I was adventurous, wild, fun and unpredictable. Things have changed but I find these eyes on me. Watching what I will do next. Everyone is quick to judge but no one actually puts themselves in my place.

I don't care what people say about who I'm with, who I like, who I'm going out with-because at the end of the day I'm alone. It's me sitting there, smiling, crying, angry, mad, frustrated, moody, etc. It's me. And that's all I care about. Me.

And until you can see it through my eyes-don't say anything. Don't mention me. Because as for me I can care less about what you think or who you are. I have better things to worry about-me.

What love shouldn't feel like...

I feel angry. I feel angry that I can't be a bad person. I can't be that bad person that treats other people like crap and then walk around like I don't care what I did to hurt them. I'm angry that I can't let go of things that are not worth it. I'm angry that I cry at the thought of him and that the tears continue to fall down, down... Love shouldn't feel this way. Love is the wonderful feeling that you hold so dearly for someone and makes your heart skip a beat, with a smile spread across your face and--your whole self being is amazingly beautiful. But me? I'm angry. I hate myself for being vulnerable to his needs. I shouldn't care for someone who's in their own world. Doing their own things... I shouldn't care that the phone hasn't rang and the text hasn't came in-but I do. And it make me angry!!! so i sit here crying in frustration... Love shouldn't feel this way. It should be perfect and fit right...

Empty.

I'm sitting here reading what I wrote a couple of months ago... I no longer feel that way. A large piece of that has been removed. I sti here feeling depressed... feeling empty.

mink says NO MAS!

The brightside is a nice side. I'm finally feeling like my life is falling into place-and I love it. I love smiling not cuz of a guy but because I am happy for me. I don't want to complain because I'm alone. I want to be happy that I am not with someone who makes me unhappy.
As I sit here typing away at my desk, I look around at my office. Wow I feel lucky. I can make myself happy. I really wish I had a bottle of wine to just sit back and relax, drink and enjoy my moment. I've come a long way. NO MAS. No more being sad-NO MAS. I can't allow myself to feel that way. I want someone to fall in love with my smile, my laughter, my kind heart. and I will keep smiling and be happy-because life is good. And I'm loving every minute of it.