status: b R o K e N

I can't get it together. It's one thing or another. Either I'm doing very well or not good at all.

I'm turning 26 next month and I know what everybody is thinking:When is she getting married? Getting a bf? Having kids? ugh! I don't feel behind on things. I actually have been enjoying my single life... But I can't help but feel like I'm broken.
The more I try to be there for my family, the more I get screwed over. I try too damn hard with them sometimes. I feel like they lean on me till I fall. I can't lean on anybody. Not a bf, not a husband-no one. So, I fall.

I get knocked down every now and then. I take it. All for my family who I love. I take it all. The hits keep coming at me and I just feel more broken. Obviously, you know I'm alone. It's not something I'm happy about. But time and time again I can't seem to get it right. ::sigh::

Nothing works. Nothing fits. I'm like that one piece of a puzzle that you can't find a spot for. Is this normal? Am I supposed to be stuck alone? They've said if you let yourself, the so called "one" for you will find you... Well guess what?? I haven't been found and it's been too long. I've been sad too long.

Last person left me broken. Like I said, I can't get it right. It get it all wrong. Too wrong. Embarrassing wrong.

There are times when I just suffer in silence. What's the point of complaining? I'm still broken. I've ran out of tears. And truth is I'll sit here torn in pieces until something or someone puts me back together again.

clubbin in the LBC foo!

The Plan: Clubbin in the LBC with the peeps. Mission of the night:get Jocelynn drunk.

The Before:Sounds simple and fun right? haha draw-to the-mah! Well at first. I couldn't find anything to wear. In fact in my little mink world if I can't find anything to wear my whole world is falling apart and nothing is right. (yes i know I'm weirdo) Jocelynn and Nancy scoop me up at 8:30; I had promised them I'd be ready by then-I'm always late! We drive back to A-town where we start drinking Bacardi, while we wait for Julynn, Jocelynn's cousin. As we enjoy the yummy-yet strong-drink a Honda passes by, screaming is heard-we pause-they stop at the red light a few houses down from where we are at-and the guy gets out. D R U N K. Oh my! We start to panic. What the H....... Jocelynn says "get in the car, hurry just get in the car!" Nancy and I do this and she turns on the car. We stayed there looking back at the guy. Then Jocelynn says, "Oh no the drinks! The drinks!" Leave it to US to worry about the DRINKS and not ourselves! HAHA

The Trip:Few minutes later we're off! Going about 85-95mph on the freeway. We're laughing in the back seat, got a quick buzz from drinking really fast. We soo didn't want that guy to drink our Bacardi... haha! I don't know the LBC very well. In fact, none of us did! We find our destination-but oh no, no parking. So we attempt to go back. You know how we don't know the LBC?? Well we sure as heck don't know we couldn't turn on 1st Street!!! LoL We turn once again, and yes sure enough we see the lights. Get pulled over. Get a ticket. Total buzz kill!!! BUT he was nice enough to tell us where we can park...haha gee thanks officer!

The Club:Finally after all this we arrive. Let me tell you, never again will I come to this club. Club Sevilla. Been there? The bouncers/security guards are jerks. Thank God we had bottle service. Honestly that's when their tone changed with us. We go up a flight of steps, then another, and possibly another. I look over at Nancy and say, "Oh we better be careful trying to go down these steps with alcohol in our systems! haha" The girls were there with their bf's. We rushed to the ladies room, our trip and arrival had been delayed by the LBPD. We came back, hug*hug hug*hug! And we're off to dance! Sober dancing is okay-but I like drinks in my systems while I shake my bootay. Eventually the bottle arrives. Leah our lovely bartender starts mixing. I luv her more for that! We danced the night wildly on the dance floor. It was HOT in there, not in a good way. I straightened my hair for nothing! Picture after picture, we laughed, we drank, we partied. We met guys on the dance floor, then left them when we realized we had lost the birthday girl. Oh man... haha... We found her, drunk. Oh yeah, mission accomplished.

The After:We walked out and once again I found the security guards extremely rude. One of the promoters was nice and said goodbye. I turned to him and said "I will never come back here again." His facial expression was priceless. Nancy laughed. We walked behind the girls holding Jocelynn up. At this point Nancy and I are busting up laughing at everything. We went thru 1st Street. Yes where we got the ticket! We saw a shopping cart and Jocelynn stopped there, she could barely walk. We laughed, took pics. She was leaning over something to vomit. Once again we laughed and took pics. This went on till I got dropped off.


The Moral of the Story:When you want to get drunk, you know you succeeded when you vomit, over and over again and you need someone to walk with you. Like Julynn said, "Congrats! You're throwing up! That's good, it means you're f*cked up!" Like always last night was GOOD TIMES with the friends... :)

The Date. The Crying. & The Girly Stuff.

A couple of nights ago I went on a date to the Lakers game. Wow I hadn't been on a date in a very long time. I rushed home to change and rushed over to meet him. We've been friends for a while. Actually met by chance. I had a great time... Lakers won the Wizards 117-97. We won tacos because the Lakers kept them under 100. It was getting close though, people started shouting "we want tacos!!" it was intense... haha... We drank beer and talked as much as we could (it's reallyyy loud in there), and had a great time. I felt alive again.
I was happy I had gone out but a part of me was still stuck. Ugh. It's like living the moment with one person, while wishing it was truly another sitting next to you. Confusing? Yes I know. I'm a girl. We come with a complete package of crazy. We're a combo of good and bad, thrown at you different ways. I've been extra emotional last couple of weeks. Yes, more than usual. Last night I heard this song... It has a good beat and all but the words... wow i started crying... I don't mean tears running down my face but more like a river flowing down my face. Thank God I didn't have make-up on... I wiped my tears, curled up in bed with Chiquita and went to sleep.

Expired.

I go for far too long without happiness. My body craves that sensation-it's something I can live without-but very miserable. Lately it's like my heart has been yanked from my body and thrown across the Hollywood Freeway. It's amazing how much your body can take. Hit after hit, it continues to stand. I hide my sadness very well...
Everybody sees as this party girl, somebody who really doesn't care about anything or anybody. But I do care. Time and time again I've cared too much-too much. and I continue to hurt inside. My heart is expired. It no longer feels the need to beat in a normal rhythm...
Feelings I had are expired. I care too much for people, about people. I care what they'll think-I should say cared. I'm so sick and tired of tip toeing around people.
I walked around smiling for far too long. Those days are expired. No more putting others before me. That time is expired. I cared for wayyyy too long. I can't anymore.
Times are changing and the sweet girl will still be here but not like before. All that is expired. I don't need to hurt anymore. I need to find happiness that I deserve...